After all this time

I don’t need to be with you to love you.

It just complicated things, that wash of everyday life.

For some it is the place that adds richness

But for us it wasn’t.

We never really rubbed well in that world.

Did we?

But after all this time… I still feel,

So much.

I miss that essence which is you.

The one that washed through me when we were close,

When there were no words,

no meaning to exchange.

Just driving or sitting in silence.

I really liked that.

I remember lying awake listening to you breathe,

Your silhouette as you slept.

That warm feeling in my chest watching as you spoke and laughed.

Even your blasted honesty,

Yes, I loved that about you too.

 

You know,

My whole world lit up when you were focused on me.

It lifted my heart right out of my chest and squeezed so tight I haven’t taken a full breath since.

 

It’s an odd thing to want someone so much,

Yet know you haven’t been happy together.

Sometimes I wonder if I was just petrified.

I had a taste of what your disinterest felt like.

What gently being put aside felt like.

I’m limping still.

 

Was it better to run and limp or stay and risk being crippled?

Because that is what it would have done.

Any longer and any deeper and I would have died without your exhale to fill my lungs.

Do you know what that does to a person, to make that choice, where the head walks one way and the heart another?

It doesn’t matter which part of yourself you follow you can never really be whole.

I don’t think my heart has ever forgiven me.

The trouble is I still want, even after all these years.

Just every now and again.

At the periphery.

 

© Elsa Holland

Image by Edmund-teske